Here are some things I DO NOT have in common with my wife… and I believe add to our relationship rather than take away from it.

Music

Yes, we can agree that the Beach Boys were awesome and everyone loves the 80’s, but when I really want to crank up my tunes, my wife is not around. I like to pump metal, rap, and even country from time to time. And when I do, I like it full blast. My wife does not. So on car trips we have to find alternatives to music, or just have conversations while driving. We have amazing talks and love our road trips because we are not just zoning out to music, but rather talking about things we don’t talk about in our daily lives. I still pump my music too loud, I just do it alone in traffic.

Food

We love to eat. Let me repeat, we LOVE to eat! Going out to dinner is one of our favorite things. But when it comes to our favorite foods, we are total opposites. I love sushi, she can’t stand it. She likes SPAM, yes, SPAM. How can two polar opposites in the food department find common ground? We find new places that have food we both have never tried and on occasion she lets me go to sushi while she gets whatever hot food they offer on the menu. Food is important in relationships, but it is not a dealbreaker. That is unless they are vegan.

Sports

I love them, she can’t stand them. I thought this would be hard to make work, but after pushing her to go to a few baseball games, we have found that she actually enjoys going to the ballpark. Sure it’s for the beer and dogs, but still we do it together and we are both happy about it. If I need to watch sports, that is a good time for me to do my own thing with friends and let her do something for herself. (That usually means shopping.)

Friends

I am a person who needs to have a lot of friends around and hates to do anything alone. My wife would be fine to keep her own company 90% of the time. We make it work because we are each other’s friends. She fills that gap I need and when she needs her alone time, I head out with my boys. Happy, Happy, Happy.

My bottom line is that not having things in common is not always a bad thing. It opens doors for both people to explore new options and new ways of thinking. Not having the same interests makes life so much more interesting for you in the long run. Let’s face it, agreeing on everything is boring and having someone who challenges you and your comfort zone makes for a much more interesting long term life.

Photo Credits: Tetra Pak and Kevin Harber.

Ever feel that your relationship suffers from a unique brand of frustration, tension, distance, or any number of other troubling feelings? The reality is, there is struggle in every romance. “If you are experiencing disillusionment, well, join the human race,” relationship expert Helen LaKelly Hunt tells Yahoo! Shine. LaKelly Hunt and her husband, Harville Hendrix, PhD, are co-creators of Imago Relationship Therapy and have been helping couples for more than 30 years.

Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, started examining the question, “why do couples fight” in the late 1970s. After studying and working with thousands of couples, he and LaKelly Hunt have found that there are 10 common bad habits couples engage in that make relationships miserable and can lead to break-up or divorce.

Read the full article, with everything from refusing to listen to expecting a fairytale romance, over at Yahoo! Shine.

Photo Credits: Ed Yourdon on Flickr and Yahoo! Shine

Okay, let me clear that last bit up. The idea that guys won’t commit or don’t want to commit is an unabashed fallacy. I’ve said this before, it’s not that the guy won’t commit – he just won’t commit to you. The right guy for you will find you. That’s a guarantee.

Now about this so-called “quality guys” drought….complete bunk. Seriously, most of the guys I know who are looking for serious relationships bristle at that statement. Because they know a certain general truth that women don’t seem to appreciate: that the quality guys are there but you’re either ignoring them or not giving them the opportunity to show you how great they are. But why does this chasm exist? There are obviously variables aplenty that cause these missed connections. But I would submit that the idea of “dealbreakers” is a major culprit.

We all have relationship dealbreakers. That handful of key traits that any potential partner must possess in order to stay in the game – dealbreakers. And quite frankly, we all should have them. But our dealbreakers should be meaningful. I like to have women break their dealbreakers into two separate groups: shallow dealbreakers and substantive dealbreakers. We should have both but with the understanding that the major emphasis should be placed on the substantive dealbreakers. You’d think that that would be a given.

Of course the substance should take precedence over the shallow.

Unfortunately, what we know doesn’t always inform our actions. So let this be your reminder. Keep your priorities in order. Those shallow dealbreakers, “must be this tall, must have this color hair, must have this type of degree, must make this six-figure salary, must come from this kind of family, must look like George Clooney,” should ultimately be seen as great-to-haves instead of must-haves.

The real stuff, the substantive stuff, is what’s going to get you through the years. You want to find the quality guys? Use these as your new dealbreaker template:

1. His closest friends should be great people. – You want a real gauge on what kind of guy you’re getting involved with? Observe his friends. The type of people in your potential partner’s inner circle will say a lot about his character.
2. He should be calm under pressure. – Long-term relationships are rife with emotional highs and lows. That being the case, the person closest to you had better be someone who you can count on to not only be in control of his emotions but to be a steadying and comforting influence when times aren’t quite as great.
3. Must be in pursuit of his passion. – Maybe he doesn’t make six figures. Heck, most people don’t. But he had better be driven by something other than money. Far too often women get involved with guys because they have a juicy bank account, then they get serious with that guy and realize that the man whose passion is making money may never have enough money. This then creates the real possibility that Mr. Moneymaker may only have time to make money and not have time for you.
4. Must appreciate your independence. – You’re your own person with your own opinions, perspectives and aspirations. Whether you’re traditional and expect to be a stay-at-home mom or a lady with dreams of being the President of the United States, your guy had better be on board with you. Do NOT commit that typical mistake of trying to change your guy’s mind by trying to get him to understand your position. The right guy requires no convincing.
5. Your friends should like him. – This isn’t to say that your judgment should be completely colored by your friends’ opinions, but if there’s a collective aversion to your guy by your inner circle, it’s definitely time to start asking questions.
6. Laugh, Laugh, Laugh. – He better be able to laugh….and you’d better be able to laugh with him. Few things in a relationship are as intimate as a couple’s ability to share the gift of laughter. You’ll find that successful couples’ most common trait is that the two simply know how to make each other smile.

So there you go. Take those dealbreakers to the bank and that’s where you begin seeing your quality guys. Everything else, the looks, the money, the career, are all amazing icing on the cake, but for long-term potential start with those six building blocks and you’re suddenly finding good quality guys to date.

Follow Marcus on Twitter: @SMFmarcus

Man’s Face Photo Credit: Pieter Duits
Silhouette of Couple Photo Credit: kevin dooley

Nauseating. Literally.

Yes, I absolutely mean that if offered a choice between throwing up and admitting that he cried at the end of “The Notebook”, most guys would choose to bury their faces in a barf bag. It doesn’t matter how enlightened or evolved the guy happens to be, when it comes to exposing of real, raw, hurt, guys will fight it. And they will fight it like Luke Skywalker fought the dark side of The Force.

It’s not that men want to be that way; it’s just something that simply can’t be helped. Guys are genetically predisposed to hide feelings because showing feelings of hurt is showing weakness. Ladies often say that they admire a guy who’s unafraid to bare his soul and shed a tear, and that guy may get a pass at first. But if he bares that bleeding heart too often, the lady eventually thinks, “too soft” and she’s out of there! An inconvenient truth… women get the lifetime emotional hall pass, guys… don’t.

And though women tend to believe otherwise, when couples argue, guys are often hurt by many of womens’ mid-fight retorts and declarations. And just as guys know that there are certain buzzwords and statements guaranteed to be a roadblock to reaching any resolution, women should know that there is a female equivalent. Guys have feelings too!

So I’m going to give you an assist. The following list is comprised of a few particular words and phrases that are guaranteed to wound a guy no matter how he may react outwardly. So here we go…

1. “I’ll just talk to someone who understands me.” – So you’re saying that I’m such an awful partner that I’ve spent all this time with you without paying attention to your particular emotional needs? Wow. That hurts.
2. “You never….” – This is a particularly hurtful statement. Why? Because by saying, “you never…”, you’ve essentially made it clear that something he most likely has done at least periodically, was a waste of time and effort because you didn’t notice it anyway. And you can’t save the situation by saying, “Well, you know what I mean.” Nope. We don’t know what you mean. We don’t read minds. We know what you’ve said, though.
3. “You always…” – See above.
4. “I just can’t talk to you.” – This stings. All we ever want to do is make you happy. It may not always seem like it, but generally that’s where most guys’ hearts lie. Say that and the guy immediately thinks, “You can’t talk to me? All I do is try to talk to you and hear what’s on your mind… but when I ask you ‘what’s wrong?’ You say, ‘nothing.’ I can’t win.”
5. “_______ used to do _________ for me/with me!” – Ouch. If ________was so great, why the hell didn’t you stay with him?
6. “I don’t like ‘big ones’ because they hurt… yours is perfect, honey.” – My radio co-host, Matty, came up with this one. And yes, it’s shallow and a little petty, but let’s be real… most guys act confident about their junk, but statements like that can ruin a guy’s self-esteem instantly.
7. “Size doesn’t matter.” – Just stop it. By having to say, “it doesn’t matter” you’re saying how much it totally matters. And we’re crushed. For more, see #6.
8. “You’re boring.” – Come on. Seriously? I mean even if that’s kind of true, there’s got to be a better way to relay the message that you’d like to go out more often. Being told you’re boring is a stab right in the heart… NO guy wants his partner to think he’s bland. That comment is also a kick to a guy’s confidence. Now he’s worried that his lady is seeking excitement somewhere other than him.

There are more, but the greater point here is that you may want to think twice before blurting out something in anger or out of blatant insensitivity. Guys may not always share the hurt, but they feel it – and far too often that point is forgotten simply because a man is… a man.

Follow Marcus on Twitter: @SMFmarcus

Fighter Photo Credit: ~UnlimitedForce

Watch our previous interview with her and her Twilight costars Rami Malek and Angela Sarafyan!

Hear it on RadioSlot.com on Monday at 5pm and Tuesday at 8am PST, on Sirius XM Channel 165 on Thursday at 6pm PST, and on the Straight Male Friend National Show on your local station throughout the weekend.

Like the recent “controversy” over actor/director Ben Affleck’s comments about his marriage to wife Jennifer Garner upon accepting this year’s Academy Award for Best Picture. His quote: “I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.”

In the minds of merry cynics and professional antagonists around the nation, this one statement was read as a subliminal confession of matrimonial strife.

And that reaction is just silly.

What Affleck said was about as honest and realistic a statement as you’ll ever hear any celebrity offer on a public stage. Marriage is work. Relationships in general are work. Once we get past the honeymoon stage in any coupling, we start the work. The hard work. So what message can we really take from Affleck’s statements? I see the glass as half full. You’ve got a husband and wife who acknowledge that sustaining a long term relationship requires dedication and diligence. It’s not a fairytale. There’s a clear-eyed, beer-goggle free vision of relationships by this pair, which in all likelihood, has been the reason they’ve managed to stay together for ten years and two kids.

So can we learn anything about relationships from celebrities? From my perspective, there’s no more to be learned from them than from any other couple. The spotlight shines on their mistakes and breakups so much brighter than their successes that it would be easy to conclude that there’s not a positive example among the bunch. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, couples that have shown strength and staying power, we cast a jaundiced eye at them because they don’t fit our established narrative; that marriages in Hollywood don’t last.

But in truth, if we’re objective, we can use celebrity marriage successes and failures as reminders and templates of what good relationship choices and a grounded perspective about what it takes to create a sustainable partnership can offer us. In other words, if you’re basing your lifestyle on Taylor Swift and her Boyfriend-Of-The-Week-Club instead of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s brick-by-brick, love-is-work edict, you’re pretty likely to be unfulfilled if your goal is something lasting and meaningful.

There are many, many examples of Hollywood couples that continue to roll on: Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson, Ted Danson & Mary Steenburgen, Will Smith & Jada Pinket;, even Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman, in spite of their rocky times, have managed to hang on. Because they realize that Ben was right…it’s work..but it’s the best kind of work.

Follow Marcus on Twitter: @SMFmarcus

Photo Credit: Disney ABC Television Group

1. Nothing is certain. Eric Bronson, editor of the book Poker and Philosophy, calls this “the most general and broad lesson of philosophy is the most general and broad lesson of poker.” Uncertainty is the one condition, in poker or in life, that anyone should make peace with. You can never know what hand your opponent would play next; you can’t count on his facial expression to clue you in, either. You can run into a monster hand and before you know it, you’re handing all your chips over to your opponent. Online poker sites like Partycasino.com may provide you with tons of statistics about your game and that of your opponents, but even cramming all those information into your head will never guarantee you a win. Similarly, life can always take a bad turn and comfort, safety and success would look like you never knew them.

2. Taking risks pays. Then again, just because nothing is certain doesn’t mean you just sit around and wait for whatever life would toss on your lap. You have to act and make decisions. “Winning players often bet more than they check, and raise more than they call,” says Matt Pusateri in Examiner.com. Also, this element of risk-taking is what appeals to Americans, who know calls poker its national pastime, according to James McManus, a professor of literature at the School of Art Institute of Chicago. Remember that America is a nation founded by explorers, people who took the risk of leaving their home country in search of better opportunities. Risk-taking is a quality as desired in nation-building as in mundane tasks in life.

Rather than wait for a job ad from your dream company to appear on Craigslist, why don’t you go visit the company and pass your resume in person? And the guy at the Laundromat? Stop making eyes at him and ask him out once and for all.

3. Appearances matter. Poker players know that a good bluff will take you a long way. In life, we do need to put on appearances, too. To land a job, you need to show the recruitment manager that you’re competent. To attract a partner, you have to impress him with your sweet words, or sometimes, with the way you dress up. This doesn’t mean that we should stop at the surface and neglect substance. Appearances simply are your foot in the door; people would walk away if they don’t like what’s inside. The key here is balance: the outside should reflect what is inside.

Marcus Osborne and Matty Staudt talk to Rami Malek, Angela Sarafyan and Andrea Gabriel, the Egyptian Coven from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (out now on DVD), about celebrity dating, Lost vs. Twilight fans, racial diversity in casting, and more. Like what each actor would be if they were a lunch food.

This is one of my favorite times of year…. Spring Training for Major League Baseball. In a few short weeks I will be able to go down the street to the Oakland Coliseum to watch my beloved A’s. I also enjoy the fact that although my wife is not big on sports, she enjoys going to games. There’s something about going to the ballpark that we both enjoy. I think it’s the pace of the game, the fact we are outdoors, and probably the beer.  When thinking about baseball, I realized that men are a lot like the game. Let me elaborate…..

Baseball Is Simple

There are very few sports as simple as baseball. Some guys take the field, while a batter tries to hit a ball and go home. Men are very simple as well. Our needs are not that complex in comparison to women. We need food, some recreational activities, and of course sex.  We don’t over-analyze things, we prefer peace to fights, and in general are happy when our women are happy. Simple as a sunny day at a ballpark.

Baseball Asks Little From Its Fans

For most part, as a baseball fan, I am expected to sit, drink my beer and eat my hotdog… and cheer at the occasional hit or great play.  Men are the same way, we really don’t ask a lot from our ladies.  We don’t want to have to deal with a lot of drama, we are happy to just hang out, and we like the occasional compliment. But we don’t expect it.  The less that is asked of us, the better.

Baseball Has No Designated Ending Time

There is something special about a sport that ends when it ends.  Having the extra time if needed to finish or if it’s a fast game, getting done early. I know in my life, I love to not have to worry about time constraints. I’m not sure if it’s true of all men, but there is something great about being able to take your time with whatever you are doing. Agendas are made to be amended and I think most men would agree that a life with fewer agendas is a happier life.

Baseball Fans Have Faith

I am sure that this can be said about a lot of sports. But true fans of a team are hopeful every year when Spring Training starts. Even if we know our team is going to suck, we have a part of us that believes there might be that one chance that they surprise us. We have faith that our team will do the best it can. I think men have faith too. We want the best out our relationships and even when things seem to be going bad, we have faith that they can be corrected. I have more faith in my wife than in any person in the world.

So as baseball season hits, try going to a game with your guy. Remember that the game you are watching parallels him in a lot of ways.